This week I am writing a bit of autobiographical writing:
I was born on the 27th of June, 1988, at exactly one minute to seven in the evening. I lived in a nice little village called Glebe, of which most of the houses, including what was once a home to me, was demolished about five years ago.
My parents were Jacqueline and Norman Rutter. And one of my best friends used to live next door to me (in Glebe) until I was about four years old; we practically played together from when both of us were born and grew really close over the years.
But before I first moved from this village, something terrible happened not just to me, but to my mother, brother, sister, and father.
I have been told by numerous people that upbringing affects one’s sexuality. If that is so, it would be because of the lack of my father in my life for nearly twenty years, and my hate for anyone trying to replace him. In other words, my mother is everything to me. And she always will be.
What happened between Norman Rutter and my family is not for me to say here. If I were, it would affect the rest of my family. So I’ll brush that part off.
But if my father by some very small chance read this, I would like to say that I could never forgive him for what he put my entire family through. I have never imagined a relationship with him, regardless of what people think, or have thought. It is strange: I think about him and I just feel numb; the only emotion I have towards him is pure anger.
Unfortunately — I am the seed of a monster, and I’ve always had a fear that I will become like ‘it’ in many ways. When that kind of blood runs through your veins it’s hard to ignore it and move on like it doesn’t matter. Easier said than done. And I know people think it is silly that I would turn out like him just because of genetics, but would it really? Science is an ever growing part of life that people just begin to understand — and then it changes again.
Having only my mother, it has come to my attention that when I lose her, it will be twice as hard for me than most; I will not just be parentless, but might also lose my connection to some of my other family. The balance between my stepfather, me, my little sister and brother is a hazy one I am not looking forward to at all. But I will fight, whatever the case. When it is something I care about, I always do.