Finally back. Had to wait so long to post this as the internet wasn’t going to be installed for three weeks in my new home.
I have recently moved to a lovely brand new semi-terraced house with my partner and the closest thing I will ever have to a baby: A dog named ‘Ella Flopsy Beagle’, and by god is she a spoilt bitch; she is a bitch by the way, I’m not being horrible.
I spent over two weeks packing and unpacking to get to where we are now by myself pretty much (most of the time with unpacking), as my partner worked at Nestle I had gotten things sorted out. Those were some body aching days, but we moved incredibly fast, even when it never really felt that way. That’s the boring part out of the way.
As I worked with the new house I found it incredibly hard to write for some reason. And I think I might know why now. When I write I usually research as I go; so there is always alternate paths to choose from that usually fit, which is one of the more exiting ways I like to write. It drives me to always find new things out; to help broaden my perspective, or create a fresh one, or perhaps even make a better plot point.
When I didn’t know where the library was and I found out I would have no internet for three weeks, I was actually starting to panic; when I sat down to write every day, I felt very tired and wrote my usual minimum word count of four hundred words or more. But after three days of being in the new house, I lost my drive.
I also started writing a new idea when I moved in because I began to see that if I wrote the beginning, then put it aside with some interesting bullet points to think about–it really helps. That’s how the introduction and beginning of the first chapter of The Fairy Tale Complex came into form, but then… I was all of a sudden panicking–I was writing blind for the first time in my life, and it was ‘absolutely’ terrifying. Yes, I just used an adjective to convey an already powerful word. Get over it. But I knew very little about the life of a female ballet dancer, or any dancer for that matter.
So I went exploring, and became a member of my local library some days later. I got some good solid non-fiction ballet books several days after I ordered them from other libraries. One was about the traditions and lifestyles of ballet dancers, and one was an illustrated history from the beginning. I thought both would become indispensable. And so I continue to read the first one still, putting important bullet points on my document as I find things that fascinate me, and know I could work with and would need.
Whilst researching, not being able to do much until I’ve mapped out what I know I’m going to use, might use and won’t use, I decided to continue writing the Fatal Femmes.
Plus, I ONLY wrote one key scene and one that might still be taken out in the end about the ballet dancer story. But I had to basically starve and stick to a not so healthy exercise regime for the key one. The plan was meant to be for about a week, and I did technically fail. However, the second day in, after having been so hungry since the first day at about eleven am, I think what I wanted started to set, just not as pure or as strong as I would of liked it to be, and why should it of been; it was only early days.
Life becomes a complete up and down emotional state always being so hungry and knowing you can’t eat. Everything felt so hopeless on the unhealthy three days; the tiniest of things was such a major effort. I never had good self-esteem, but it makes you feel even worse. I was even more sensitive than usual. I had multiple breakdowns just doing every day chores, and they lasted for quite a while. And yet I knew all this would happen. It is the state I wanted and needed for the, at least, semi-realistic mind set of a professional dancer. Lets get this straight: I done it to see what it would take to follow the strictest of rules. Unfortunately, I only lasted three days, but none of it was in vain.
There was some pretty vital parts of my method research that will help me.
Till next time
Currently reading: The Ballet Companion. By Eliza Gaynor Minden
PS Pt. 2 will be better.