I am unnaturally cheerful today, despite the fact that we’ve reached the “oh-no-it’s-hot” part of the year. The majority of us Brits don’t do heat very well because 95% of the time it’s such a shock to out systems. The UK is famous for being cold and wet after all so go figure.
Every so often I’ll sit back in my chair and survey the corner kingdom that is my desk and the surrounding corner. I’ll take a good look and I’ll actually see all of the notebooks and all of the pens I have. And sometimes I freak out and have a bit of a panic attack. How am I going to use all the pens? How am I going to fill all of the notebooks? I’m not going to have enough ideas to fill all of those empty pages. And then! If it’s a particularly bad day then those thoughts will slip into the oh my god; what is going to happen to all of my writing when I die? But that doesn’t really happen all too often, but I do get really hung up on that thought if it rears its ugly head. I don’t like to think about that bit very much, but I don’t like to think about dying or death or anything too far into the future because then my mood spirals.
So, I sit back and panic over all of my stuff. And then I start to feel bad, because I just have so much stationery. And it’s like… This is a little ridiculous, isn’t it? Like, holy crap how can one person use all of this?
My friends, (god bless my friends, I love them all) are terrible, terrible enablers. But on the other hand, they’d say the same about me. They nudge me gently into maybe making a CultPens order, or they send me a notebook and ink cartridges for my birthday (with a note in the book along the lines of I know I’m feeding your addiction but that’s what friends do ❤ or words to that effect; not going to look it up exactly for you because it’s a personal thing.) But, and thank god for all of them especially so for this, they’re also all brilliant at talking me out of being an idiot. Even if it’s just one of them throwing me a “if they make you happy, don’t worry about it – it really helps. To be honest, even my boyfriend says things like that sometimes. Only sometimes though, but hey, that still counts, right?
Something the boyfriend IS good at pointing out, however, is my stack of charts. The chart that lets me know how many notebooks I’ve filled. The monthly charts that keep track of how many words I write a day. Then he points to the stack of already filled notebooks (we’re on about 45 now, by the way, since I started keeping track on February 26th 2011) because sometimes it’s easier to look at the physical result than the results on paper. He’s very good at that.
I put a lot of pressure on myself to write 500 words every day. I have done since I first started the Year of Continuous Writing a couple of years ago. I am still technically doing that, although I don’t check into the website anymore, for whatever reason that is. I’ve forgotten. I don’t like not meeting a goal, hence the pressure. But, and I’m going to toot my own horn here, I don’t think I’ve missed a day since… Maybe Graduation? I know I was doing NaNo that year and that day was just SO busy I didn’t have much time. Or I was just simply too darn tired to do anything. I’m not sure if that date is entirely accurate; but I know I’ve been writing daily for at least… Two years? Maybe a smidge longer. I’d have to look it up.
I feel kinda… Lost when/if I don’t write. I actually really hate it. And 500 words a day is nothing, all things considered. At least, it would be if I typed. But I handwrite (which is why I have so many pens and notebooks). I do it because I love it. I do it because I feel weird if I don’t. I don’t (currently) care if I’m the only one who reads it, or if anything ever gets typed up. I’m 24, I’m relatively healthy; I have time.
And because I handwrite, I need all of the pens and notebooks, right? Sure I maybe probably definitely have excess of both categories, which probably means I have a problem but… I like the things. They make me happy. And surely that’s all that matters?
Comments? Questions? Agree with me? Think I’m insane? There’s a comments box, drop me a line!
Until next week,